Connect with Your Inner Strength
Have you ever vowed to really change for good, only to find yourself going back to your old habits within days?
Why did that happen?
I recently met up with a friend whom I haven’t seen for almost a year. When asked how she was doing, she responded, “Ugh. Plodding along…”
Over cups of herbal teas, she told me how she hated her job and how she longed for a more stimulating and financially-rewarding role; how she really wanted a specific job but “no such jobs are available in our region”; How she felt stuck and demotivated; How lifeless she felt for having no passion, no energy, no goals or clear direction; How she hadn’t had a proper break for a long time; How she sought professional help but they didn’t work because her therapists weren’t good enough, etc.
She’d been telling the same story for over two years. She’s still exactly in the same situation. When asked why she was where she was, her reasons were:
- She couldn’t get her ideal job because “no such job existed in our region”
- She needed to be able to drive to get her dream job but she hadn’t had a single driving lesson yet because she “had other expenses to take care of”
- She hadn’t researched extensively about her dream job because she had “no energy or the will” left after a stressful day at work
- She had no time to find a better job because she devoted her spare time sorting other people’s needs
As she spoke, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for being there with her. I had been where she is, and I could see what was really going on. After hours of listening to her and saying nothing but ask questions, I knew it was time for some tough love.
“Aren’t you sick and tired of all these yet?” I asked.
“Yes, of course. But I don’t know what else to do…”
I looked at her square in the eyes and held her hand. Calmly and matter-of-factly, I said, “Bullshit.”
She stared back at me, dumbfounded. She knew she had been ‘found out’.
“Let’s set a few things straight first:
“First, you are where you are because YOU put yourself there. Make no excuses about this because saying otherwise robs you of the power and the responsibility to solve the problem.”
“Second, you’re stuck because you haven’t changed and you haven’t made any concrete consistent steps towards changing. You know why? Because in truth, you’d rather stay where you are. You know why? Because it’s more comfortable; Because in reality you are too afraid. You haven’t been looking for your dream job because you don’t think you have what it takes to secure it; You’ve made up the myth that it doesn’t exist here where we live because you’d rather fool yourself than face your fears; You haven’t taken driving lessons because if you obtain your driving license you’ll have one less excuse for being in a job you hate; You have busied yourself sorting other people’s lives and you have put your own needs last because you’d rather escape from your own issues.”
“Third, in reality you don’t think you have what it takes. In reality you have no self-confidence. In reality you’re so paralyzed by your fears, so you end up doing nothing. Meanwhile you whinge and complain about your situation, taking the role of a helpless victim in this drama you yourself have written and is currently directing.”
She started to cry.
“Honey, the first step you need to take in order to really change is to tell the Truth: the cold, raw, naked Truth. Because right now – and I’m saying this with all my Love for you – right now, you are so full of your own Bullshit.”
She nodded her head and cried some more.
If you had ever tried to change, chances are you can relate to my friend as much as everybody else.
Isn’t it funny how we buy our own crap? We build the illusion that eating junk food is perfectly OK even when we could hardly walk up the stairs without shortness of breath; that our relationships are NOT dysfunctional even when our spouse or children barely talk to us; that trying to have a glamorous and extravagant lifestyle is perfectly OK even though we are racking huge amounts of debts.
Self-deception is perfectly understandable. The biggest pay-off is that we get to fool ourselves into believing that we wouldn’t have to deal with changing anything. We wouldn’t have to risk anything or get out of our comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. It means no “hard work”, and we get to stay where it’s comfortable.
And this is the very same reason why many people would rather stay where they are than change. It’s also the same reason why many people are suffering badly. Self-deception leads to all kinds of unhappiness. It’s one of the main reasons why many people are stuck, or trapped in the vicious cycle that had come to be their so-called life.
Face the Truth
There are many ways how we fool ourselves:
1) Denial
- “I’m happy with my body. I feel good about it. Besides, skinny is so unattractive. So what if I’m 28 stone?”
- “I hate my job but the pay is ok so I should really be happy”
- “I’m not motivated by money. Money corrupts. I’d rather be poor.”
2) Rationalisation
- “Just this once won’t hurt. I’ve been good yesterday so I deserve a reward.”
- “I’ll just stay in this job and do what I really love in my spare time. It’s OK even if my spare time is a couple of hours a week.”
- “Why should I approach her? She’s probably got a boyfriend anyway. Better safe than sorry. Besides, she’s not really that attractive.”
3) Avoiding the here and now
- “I’ve failed before so I can’t possibly succeed this time.”
- “Someday when I win the lottery, I will…”
- She’s done it in the past so she will do it again. I’ll never forgive her.”
Let me tell you a simple Truth: Things will never change for the better by themselves. You’ll stay where you are, living the same life (or worse), doing the same job (or worse), and stuck in the same place (or worse), until you cut the crap.
Honesty is the beginning of real change. Real change will not take place until you are willing enough to really look at the situation and consider the inevitable consequences of your current actions, or inaction. Real change will not take place until you are willing to investigate the effects of your complacency, of your current belief systems, of your current way of thinking.
Some would argue that personal change takes time. I’d say change happens in an instant.
Real change happens the moment you decide that you raise your standards – and act on it.
Real change happens the moment you decide to stop all behaviours that produce unhappiness, misery, and suffering for you and for others.
Real change happens when you truly recognise that the things you were willing to put up with before hurts more than it comforts.
Real change happens when you realize that the dangers of staying put far outweigh your perceived risks of moving forward.
In that brief moment, when your perspective shifts, when your mind sees a bigger picture, when you no longer project the past or your imagined future into the present, in that moment you see reality clearly. No self-delusions, no denials, no excuses, no bullshits.
When that happens, doing the right actions becomes your natural choice. It becomes easy, even second nature. You will no longer settle for short-term gains at the cost of your long-term well-being.
So how do you get yourself to really tell the truth then? Below is a suggested exercise.
EXERCISE: TELLING THE TRUTH
First, pick a specific area in your life that you want to change. Identify the issue you want to work on.
Example: Finance > I want to stop feeling the need to impress everybody by trying to live an extravagant lifestyle.
Step 1. List your excuses and rationalizations.
Watch your thoughts and observe your belief systems.
What do you tell yourself when you give yourself the permission to engage in the behaviour you want to change?
List the things you tell yourself to keep you from moving forward, from being truly happy.
Read each statement out loud, then ask yourself if it’s really true. Use FACTS, not opinions!
Example:
I must have the trendiest, most glamorous clothes and shoes than my friends in order to maintain my good reputation. (Is this true? Is it really the case?)
It’s perfectly OK to accumulate huge amounts of debts just so I could travel 5x a year, live in luxury, impress everybody and be the talk of town. I’m young and I deserve the best! I’ll worry about the debt later. (Is this true? Is it really acceptable? What are the most likely consequences of my choices, and how am I going to deal with them when they happen?)
Step 2. Ask yourself, ‘What is the real reason why I’m allowing this? What am I really doing? Am I avoiding something?’
If you overspend, is it because you are trying to hide, or is it because you’re using money to numb your self from boredom or loneliness? Are you using it to fill a void? To pass the time? Are you using money as a defense mechanism? Are you deliberately hiding behind your designer clothes, expensive cars, fancy jewelry because you’re too afraid to confront the person you have become?
If you constantly overspend to please others, what is it that you really want? Is it respect, attention, love? What core need are you trying to satisfy?
Set your emotions, prejudices and biases aside for a moment and be willing to admit things even when they hurt, or even when it gets extremely uncomfortable. Actually, pay special attention to things that trigger strong emotions. If it hurts, look closer – chances are you’ll gain very important insights from it.
Step 3. Assess the real gap between your ideal scenario and your current situation.
How big is the gap? It’s very easy to downplay or over-exaggerate our situation. Is your finance situation really 7 out of 10 when you consistently spend more than you earn? Do you really think your parenting is 9 out of 10 just because you provide your kids with all the material things they could ever wish for?
Sure, your standards are different from someone else’s, so your ’10′ may be different from some else’s ’10′, but make sure you’re not living a delusion.
Step 4. Assume full responsibility. Ask yourself, “What can I DO NOW to fix this?”
Of course there may be things that happened in the past that just wasn’t fair. There may be things done to you by others that you simply didn’t deserve.
Whatever happened, one thing is for certain: YOU are the only one who can really change your life. The sooner you accept that it all depends on you, then blaming becomes futile and unnecesary. It will no longer matter who did what in the past, because it’s all over now. You will see the futility in waiting for something or someone – to come along and save you from your own life situation.T
List the necessary steps you need to take in order to move closer to your goal. Focus on how you can make each happen, instead of thinking of the many possible reasons why they might not happen!
Remember that we can only ever do something NOW. The only time we have the power to change our experience is NOW.
The key in this process is to direct all your attention and energy to what is in front of you. If you just do the best you can with what you have where you are, you will have nothing to regret about.
Demonizing the unknown, romanticizing the past, cooking up imagined situations in your head about the future are just some of the ways you avoid the Now, thus losing your power to make the real changes that you want.
Related posts:
- The 6-Step Formula to Achieving Anything You Want
- How to Change Your World in an Instant
- Nonviolent Communication: How to Change Your Language From Violent to Compassionate
The First Step Towards REAL CHANGE
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Connect with Your Inner Strength
Have you ever vowed to really change for good, only to find yourself going back to your old habits within days?
Why did that happen?
I recently met up with a friend whom I haven’t seen for almost a year. When asked how she was doing, she responded, “Ugh. Plodding along…”
Over cups of herbal teas, she told me how she hated her job and how she longed for a more stimulating and financially-rewarding role; how she really wanted a specific job but “no such jobs are available in our region”; How she felt stuck and demotivated; How lifeless she felt for having no passion, no energy, no goals or clear direction; How she hadn’t had a proper break for a long time; How she sought professional help but they didn’t work because her therapists weren’t good enough, etc.
She’d been telling the same story for over two years. She’s still exactly in the same situation. When asked why she was where she was, her reasons were:
As she spoke, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for being there with her. I had been where she is, and I could see what was really going on. After hours of listening to her and saying nothing but ask questions, I knew it was time for some tough love.
“Aren’t you sick and tired of all these yet?” I asked.
“Yes, of course. But I don’t know what else to do…”
I looked at her square in the eyes and held her hand. Calmly and matter-of-factly, I said, “Bullshit.”
She stared back at me, dumbfounded. She knew she had been ‘found out’.
“Let’s set a few things straight first:
“First, you are where you are because YOU put yourself there. Make no excuses about this because saying otherwise robs you of the power and the responsibility to solve the problem.”
“Second, you’re stuck because you haven’t changed and you haven’t made any concrete consistent steps towards changing. You know why? Because in truth, you’d rather stay where you are. You know why? Because it’s more comfortable; Because in reality you are too afraid. You haven’t been looking for your dream job because you don’t think you have what it takes to secure it; You’ve made up the myth that it doesn’t exist here where we live because you’d rather fool yourself than face your fears; You haven’t taken driving lessons because if you obtain your driving license you’ll have one less excuse for being in a job you hate; You have busied yourself sorting other people’s lives and you have put your own needs last because you’d rather escape from your own issues.”
“Third, in reality you don’t think you have what it takes. In reality you have no self-confidence. In reality you’re so paralyzed by your fears, so you end up doing nothing. Meanwhile you whinge and complain about your situation, taking the role of a helpless victim in this drama you yourself have written and is currently directing.”
She started to cry.
“Honey, the first step you need to take in order to really change is to tell the Truth: the cold, raw, naked Truth. Because right now – and I’m saying this with all my Love for you – right now, you are so full of your own Bullshit.”
She nodded her head and cried some more.
If you had ever tried to change, chances are you can relate to my friend as much as everybody else.
Isn’t it funny how we buy our own crap? We build the illusion that eating junk food is perfectly OK even when we could hardly walk up the stairs without shortness of breath; that our relationships are NOT dysfunctional even when our spouse or children barely talk to us; that trying to have a glamorous and extravagant lifestyle is perfectly OK even though we are racking huge amounts of debts.
Self-deception is perfectly understandable. The biggest pay-off is that we get to fool ourselves into believing that we wouldn’t have to deal with changing anything. We wouldn’t have to risk anything or get out of our comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. It means no “hard work”, and we get to stay where it’s comfortable.
And this is the very same reason why many people would rather stay where they are than change. It’s also the same reason why many people are suffering badly. Self-deception leads to all kinds of unhappiness. It’s one of the main reasons why many people are stuck, or trapped in the vicious cycle that had come to be their so-called life.
Face the Truth
There are many ways how we fool ourselves:
1) Denial
2) Rationalisation
3) Avoiding the here and now
Let me tell you a simple Truth: Things will never change for the better by themselves. You’ll stay where you are, living the same life (or worse), doing the same job (or worse), and stuck in the same place (or worse), until you cut the crap.
Honesty is the beginning of real change. Real change will not take place until you are willing enough to really look at the situation and consider the inevitable consequences of your current actions, or inaction. Real change will not take place until you are willing to investigate the effects of your complacency, of your current belief systems, of your current way of thinking.
Some would argue that personal change takes time. I’d say change happens in an instant.
Real change happens the moment you decide that you raise your standards – and act on it.
Real change happens the moment you decide to stop all behaviours that produce unhappiness, misery, and suffering for you and for others.
Real change happens when you truly recognise that the things you were willing to put up with before hurts more than it comforts.
Real change happens when you realize that the dangers of staying put far outweigh your perceived risks of moving forward.
In that brief moment, when your perspective shifts, when your mind sees a bigger picture, when you no longer project the past or your imagined future into the present, in that moment you see reality clearly. No self-delusions, no denials, no excuses, no bullshits.
When that happens, doing the right actions becomes your natural choice. It becomes easy, even second nature. You will no longer settle for short-term gains at the cost of your long-term well-being.
So how do you get yourself to really tell the truth then? Below is a suggested exercise.
EXERCISE: TELLING THE TRUTH
First, pick a specific area in your life that you want to change. Identify the issue you want to work on.
Example: Finance > I want to stop feeling the need to impress everybody by trying to live an extravagant lifestyle.
Step 1. List your excuses and rationalizations.
Watch your thoughts and observe your belief systems.
What do you tell yourself when you give yourself the permission to engage in the behaviour you want to change?
List the things you tell yourself to keep you from moving forward, from being truly happy.
Read each statement out loud, then ask yourself if it’s really true. Use FACTS, not opinions!
Example:
I must have the trendiest, most glamorous clothes and shoes than my friends in order to maintain my good reputation. (Is this true? Is it really the case?)
It’s perfectly OK to accumulate huge amounts of debts just so I could travel 5x a year, live in luxury, impress everybody and be the talk of town. I’m young and I deserve the best! I’ll worry about the debt later. (Is this true? Is it really acceptable? What are the most likely consequences of my choices, and how am I going to deal with them when they happen?)
Step 2. Ask yourself, ‘What is the real reason why I’m allowing this? What am I really doing? Am I avoiding something?’
If you overspend, is it because you are trying to hide, or is it because you’re using money to numb your self from boredom or loneliness? Are you using it to fill a void? To pass the time? Are you using money as a defense mechanism? Are you deliberately hiding behind your designer clothes, expensive cars, fancy jewelry because you’re too afraid to confront the person you have become?
If you constantly overspend to please others, what is it that you really want? Is it respect, attention, love? What core need are you trying to satisfy?
Set your emotions, prejudices and biases aside for a moment and be willing to admit things even when they hurt, or even when it gets extremely uncomfortable. Actually, pay special attention to things that trigger strong emotions. If it hurts, look closer – chances are you’ll gain very important insights from it.
Step 3. Assess the real gap between your ideal scenario and your current situation.
How big is the gap? It’s very easy to downplay or over-exaggerate our situation. Is your finance situation really 7 out of 10 when you consistently spend more than you earn? Do you really think your parenting is 9 out of 10 just because you provide your kids with all the material things they could ever wish for?
Sure, your standards are different from someone else’s, so your ’10′ may be different from some else’s ’10′, but make sure you’re not living a delusion.
Step 4. Assume full responsibility. Ask yourself, “What can I DO NOW to fix this?”
Of course there may be things that happened in the past that just wasn’t fair. There may be things done to you by others that you simply didn’t deserve.
Whatever happened, one thing is for certain: YOU are the only one who can really change your life. The sooner you accept that it all depends on you, then blaming becomes futile and unnecesary. It will no longer matter who did what in the past, because it’s all over now. You will see the futility in waiting for something or someone – to come along and save you from your own life situation.T
List the necessary steps you need to take in order to move closer to your goal. Focus on how you can make each happen, instead of thinking of the many possible reasons why they might not happen!
Remember that we can only ever do something NOW. The only time we have the power to change our experience is NOW.
The key in this process is to direct all your attention and energy to what is in front of you. If you just do the best you can with what you have where you are, you will have nothing to regret about.
Demonizing the unknown, romanticizing the past, cooking up imagined situations in your head about the future are just some of the ways you avoid the Now, thus losing your power to make the real changes that you want.
Related posts: