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Our Language is Violent.
Many of us are conditioned to communicate in ways that alienate, misunderstand, manipulate, induce guilt, attack, criticize, judge, blame, shame, belittle – and not only do we do these to others but also to ourselves.
I’m opening this discussion here about language because I believe that the way we communicate with ourselves and others is one of the key factors that will affect the richness, depth and quality of our experiences – and therefore the quality of our lives. In this post I hope to show you the destructive effects of our learned language, and show you an alternative, effective way of communicating called The Nonviolent Communication 
I first came across the practice of The Nonviolent Communication
How Did Our Language Become Violent?
There are anthropological evidences proving that a violent language did not exist more than 8,000 years ago, during our hunter-gatherer phase – that is, when we had no notion of how we may be “inferior” or “superior” compared to other people.
Apparently it all started when a few people started claiming superiority over others (“our family was born closer to God”, “We have divine rights”, etc). In order to seize (and maintain) power, they needed to use a tool that struck fear and a sense of inferiority among others. Thus a language of domination was born – a language that categorized people into varying levels of value (take the caste system, for example); a language that classed certain people and concepts as good, bad, right, wrong, appropriate, or inappropriate; a language that justified punishment or reward.
Unfortunately this language is still the language we speak now, because we still live within an environment where the dominant few are seeking to be in power by controlling the masses.
Nonviolent Communication is a process that seeks to teach us how to speak our natural language – a language that clearly communicates our needs and wants without the use of violent means like manipulation, scare tactics, judgment or blame.
What Is Nonviolent Communication?
At the heart of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the compassionate understanding that behind every statement or action is a person or a group of people simply seeking to meet his/their own needs.
“This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.” ~ www.CNVC.org
As Human Beings we have needs that we all share like autonomy, integrity, interdependence, play, spiritual connection, and physical nurturance. Everything we say or do are geared towards meeting our needs – the problem is when we seek to meet our needs in a way that harms ourselves or others. Another challenge is that very few of us had been taught how to get in touch with what we really need or feel, so we usually struggle to clearly express what we need, thus failing to get what we really want. When this happens conflict usually arises.
“NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others…In any exchange, we…hear our own deeper needs and those of others. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation…Through its emphasis on deep listening – to ourselves as well as to others- NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg
How to Practice Nonviolent Communication
To practice NVC, the central idea is to focus our consciousness on what we and others are observing without judgments or evaluation. Then we connect our thoughts and feelings to the human needs/values (e.g. protection, support, love) being sought. Next, we clarify and openly express what we would like to happen in order to meet those needs. This process, also known as the 4 part process of NVC, is shown below:
Copyright Marshall Rosenberg
Practicing NVC can show us to hear something different when our spouse says, “You never listen!”. Using NVC, we may choose to interpret it as, “I need you to pay more attention to what I’m really saying and empathize with me”, instead of hearing attack or criticism from our spouse.
When our children or employees or friends refuse to do as we ask them, we could see that their preference is merely different to ours, rather than labeling them as “lazy”, “incompetent”, or “rebellious”.
When other people don’t live their lives the way we choose to live our own, we may see that they are merely choosing a different experience rather than labelling them as “ignorant” or “losers”.
Most importantly, NVC can show us a different way to relate to ourselves. When we are feeling frustrated, angry or stressed, we can choose to connect with our real feelings and willingly explore deep within us the source of our negative emotions rather than denying them or resorting to destructive behaviours or run away from our unmet needs.
With NVC, we’ll be able to be more in touch with what ourselves or others may be really needing, thus helping ourselves and others to get what we/they are seeking. Furthermore, when we help others get what they want, they are more willling to help us get what we want – resulting in a more compassionate, harmonious and life-affirming interaction.
Areas Where Nonviolent Communication Can Be Useful
There’s no doubt that you will benefit from the practice of NVC in any area of your life. Already, NVC has made a difference to many people’s lives in the areas of Personal Growth, Business, Parenting, Relationships, at the Workplace, within the Education and government systems, and especially in situations where an effective Conflict Resolution is needed.
“Nonviolent Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming.
In NVC trainings you will learn to express yourself honestly without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem.
These skills are useful with family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and clients, as well as with your own internal dialogues.” ~www.nonviolentcommunication.com
Why We Need To Learn Nonviolent Communication Now, More Than Ever
As cnvc.org succinctly put it, NVC enables us to:
- Carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
- Identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
- Connect with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and
- Request clearly and specifically, what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and to truly request rather than demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).
Simple yet life-changing, Nonviolent Communication fosters a sense of personal responsibility within us for our own actions, choices, thoughts and feelings, thus allowing us to make more conscious decisions when we respond to others. With NVC, the need for attacking, defending, or being right is minimized thus fostering relationships based on mutual compassion, respect, attentiveness and empathy, engendering “a mutual desire to give from the heart”.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.
Related Resources
The Nonviolent Communication Training Course
The Center for Nonviolent Communication
NonViolent Communication website
Videos about Nonviolent Communication from YouTube
6 Comments
As for NVC and Abundance creation through the Law of Attraction. A big part of being magnetic is learning to accept our own needs (to flourish) and those of others. Another big part is to not alienate others, which also comes from this acceptance, love and understanding. Many LOA people alienate others and reveal shallow understanding that could be rectified quite a bit by NVC training. A fogiving, loving person, have a much higher vibrational resonance and is much less likely to get sidetracked. Also, it makes what you attract much more satisfying since what brings real/lasting happiness is always originating from the heart. Ananda Goldstein, M.Ed., Ph.D EmpowermentMotivationInstitute.com
Surprise to find Marshall Rosenberg on this blog! Very valuable experiences that I got from NVC. Why surprised? Because Marshalls “view” of “abundance thinking”, I couldn’t so far very well match it with a “abundance” marketing mindset, – and I have studied that a lot in the last two years – even people connected with “law of attraction” spirituality to me still seem far from the “sociocracy” approach to social life, and the “getting everybodies needs met” paradigm that I experienced in non-violent communication environments. And I am really very curious, how these two “worlds” could possibly merge without each loosing its depth, purity of values and power. Very interesting.
Hhhmmm interesting comment, Dieter. To be honest I’m not familiar what Marshall’s view is with regards to Marketing or Abundant thinking. Perhaps you could enlighten me about this.
I personally don’t see a disconnect or incompatibility between NVC and marketing. To me, marketing is a process of finding out what your target market wants and fulfilling those needs – so in that respect then NVC ties in very closely with it.
I think the “Violence” happens when marketing is used as a tool to manipulate, induce fear, and control others purely for the sake of personal advancement with complete disregard as to how one’s choices may be impacting the well being of others – is this what you meant?
Very informative post. Good communication skills is very necessary for attracting customers.Good communication skills plays an important role in growth and sucess of online buisness. A right language and a right mix of words will hit your target audience.To maintain your website, You need to learn basic business communication online. There are varied mediums through which you can pass on your message to your audience or potential buyers, may it be through emails, ads, pamphlets, or a word of mouth, for all this you need proper english, proper communication.You need a lot of clarity while communicating, its very effective. For more details refer http://www.bloggingwithchris.com/online-business-demands-good-communication-skills/
Marj, this was fascinating! I think you are onto something here, something that I have never heard about before. This doesn’t seem easy and it certainly is not natural to me, but if we all did this imagine how the world would be different! Thanks for this wonderful article.
Thanks, Stephen. I’m glad you find it valuable. I believe if we all learn how to do it, there’ll definitely be less war, crime, divorce, abuse and arguments.
There are so much more to cover about it, so I plan to share more about it here as I learn more. For example, Marshall Rosenberg proposed that our (violent) language use compliments more as a tool to manipulate others instead of as a means to openly express our gratitude about how another human being enriched our lives.
So we say to our employee, “You are so efficient!” (stroke their ego so they’ll work harder and harder without expecting much in return)
We say to our children, “You are so obedient, you make me happy and proud.” (implying our happiness depends on their compliance to OUR orders, therefore when we’re unhappy they feel guilty and thus feel responsible for OUR feelings. You can imagine what a heavy burden that is!)
I didn’t see it at first, but yes come to think of it that’s exactly how many of us use praise – no wonder many of us usually feel uncomfortable or wary when we receive compliments!
Stay tuned!
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