Do You Speak the Language of Success?

"Speak No Evil, See No Evil, Hear No Evil"

If you are to record every word you’ve used for a week, would you say a large percentage of them would be positive or negative in nature?

Words have the power to move us to action, to shape our destiny, give us hope, uplift our spirits, even change history. Language is a tool that, if used properly can propel us towards the things we truly want.

Equally, words can be used to hurt us, crush our resolve, suck our energy, and weaken our conviction. If used unwisely or without clear intention, language can keep us stuck, away from the things we want the most.

I was in a coaching session over 2 years ago when my coach said, “Have you noticed the language you’re using? You speak in terms of why you can’t have what you want. Why do you think that is?”

It stopped me dead on my tracks. By golly, she was right! During the session I talked about nothing but my excuses and the barriers I faced and the helplessness I felt – I was focusing on the many reasons why I couldn’t possibly quit the job I hated, or how impossible it was to do the things that really mattered to me, to go for the things that made me feel truly alive.

You see at that time, I knew deep inside that I was playing small- I knew that I was allowing my fears to stop me. At the same time however, I wasn’t ready to identify with my Higher Self. But you see, I had to make my fears more real, more valid to me, and adopting a disempowering language was how I did that. I was too afraid to choose Self-realization over my fears so I adopted a script that basically ran like this: “If I talk about my excuses and obstacles long enough and often enough, then I wouldn’t need to change. I can just stay stuck, and that means I could stay in my comfort zone.”

The wake up call was when I became aware that I was using language as a way to keep myself stuck. I was telling myself “stories” that were meant for self-deception because I was far too afraid to go out on a limb and fight for the things I really wanted. It was a defense mechanism.

When my coach pointed this out to me, it was like a slap on the face – “Ooops, I’d been found out. Damn. Now what?”

Have you ever been in a similar situation?

Have you ever reflected and noticed how you use your vocabulary to empower or disempower yourself and others?

It soon dawned on me that our habitual words – that is, words we constantly use – have a much larger and deeper impact on our lives, greater than many of us ever realize!

This made me pay more attention to the words that I used since then and also the words other people use, and to observe how those words affected our moods, emotions, states of mind, belief systems, actions, and ultimately our experiences. So far I have come up with the following observations:

1. Winners and achievers speak differently compared to losers.

Have you ever noticed that there’s a massive difference between the language losers use compared to the language achievers use? Observe your friends, family and colleagues and pay close attention to their language patterns, and see what you notice.

I noticed that losers tend to speak a language that conveyed fear, uncertainty, and insecurity. When I was in my loser mode I had the tendency to dwell more on what wasn’t working, often complaining, moaning, fault-finding, worrying, apologizing, and making excuses. I constantly used words that voiced out doubts, insecurities, fears, problems and frustrations. If you told me about a plan you’re working on, I would have t0ld you the many reasons and potential barriers that would cause you to fail. I chose to keep myself small so I unconsciously worked hard to keep others small, too. Whenever I met sucessful people, I literally felt threatened. I clammed up and avoided interacting with them.

On the other hand, I noticed that the truly successful tend to speak a language that is rich with certainty, confidence, enthusiasm, and sincere optimism. They often speak about what’s working well for them, and they couldn’t help but suggest ways how it could work for you, too. They talk with excitement about their latest projects, they share the updates on the big hairy goals they are currently moving towards. They also share their knowledge so they tend to talk about things they learned recently, or about inspiring stories about other people. If you told them about a plan you’re working on, they tend to dwell more on encouraging you and supporting you to help you succeed. They’re thrilled to hear about your attempts to grow and stretch yourself.

2. The language we use for self-talk directly influences our self-concept and vice versa.

I noticed that the words I use to talk to myself is determined by my sense of self-esteem and self-worth – and vice versa.

If you think about it, because our self-talk determine our beliefs and influence our actions, the words we consistently use will shape our ultimate outcome.

I used to have “writer’s block”. I thought this was completely normal and that all writers (even professional ones) experienced it regularly. The truth was that I had a creativity block because every time I sat down to write something, my vicious inner critique would pop up and say, “I can’t believe you’re even writing this. This just sounds crap. Delete that sentence, edit the one after. Surely you can come up with something more clever than this idea in the first place! Urgh. You know what, maybe you shouldn’t write after all. This is just far too difficult for you.”

Due to this I rarely completed a piece of work, even though deep inside I really wanted to write. I believed I had so much to share, but my negative self-talk was just far too strong at that time. It deleted my sentences even before I could go past the first three.

Are you doing (or have done) something similar?

3. The language we use shape other people’s concept of us.

Someone I used to know always wondered why the men she met never took her seriously, or why men always treated her as a sex object and nothing more. I kindly pointed out to her that it was because all she really ever talked about were sex, partying, or jokes. She eventually realized that because her interests revolved around shopping, travelling, watching TV, clubbing and eating out, she felt she didn’t have anything remarkable to talk about so she resorted to talking about sex all the time, especially when she’s nervous and trying to impress others. Because of the signals she was giving, men thought she was only after sex and nothing else – so they treated her according to this paradigm.

The language we use works like an advertisement. The types of people we’ll attract into our lives and how they will treat us will depend on the type of language we speak, because this will shape their concept of who we are and how they will perceive us.

Photo courtesy of Mike Kruse. Clothing shop found in Varanasi, India.

4. Words people use often reveal their beliefs and values.

You’re probably already doing this: accurately drawing conclusions about another person simply by listening closely to the words they use.

In one of Yanik Silver’s Underground Seminar DVDs, Glenn Livingston, who used to work with suicidal teenagers, talked about how he could tell straight away whether or not someone needed serious help simply by the words they used to describe their emotions. Glenn’s experience showed that if someone said “I’ve been feeling suicidual and I’m afraid I might kill myself”, this person is highly likely to commit suicide soon compared to someone who said, “Doctor, I’ve been feeling suicidal and I think I might kill myself”.

Glenn said that the words “I think I might” shows there’s still some thought involved so this person is still using her head; she still believes it’s possible to think her way out of suicide. In contrast, the words “I’m afraid that I might” shows this person has already reached a level of certainty about committing the act of suicide, hence they are afraid. (It was actually clever how he drew from this experience and connected it with internet marketing, particularly keyword research but that’s another story.)

5. We can change our experience by changing our words.

A very effective way to change our limiting beliefs and experiences is through changing our habitual words.

“Simply by changing your habitual vocabulary – the words you consistently use to describe the emotions of your life – you can instantaneously change the way how you think, how you feel, and how you live.” (Anthony Robbins)

I used to work for a motivational speaker who insisted we say “I’m brilliant!” whenever someone asked how we were doing. Over time my response evolved into “I’m Excellent!” or “Fantastic!” and I found myself saying those words even if I was feeling negative. The funny thing was that there had been times when I felt less than excellent or fantastic but I discovered how my mood changed simply by declaring “I’m Excellent!”.

I thought this discovery was very profound. By changing my words, my body language naturally changed as well in order to be consistent with my words. When I sound and look different, I felt different so I act different. In turn, people responded to me differently and thus my experience changed.

Anthony Robbins, in his book Awaken the Giant Within calls this “Transformational Vocabulary”. He stated that we can use words to control what states of mind and emotions we feel – and thus dictate the outcome of our experiences.

A ‘rich’ selection of words can give rise to entirely different experiences compared to a poor selection of words. The trouble is that not many of us are conscious of this.

“The words you habitually choose also affect how you communicate with yourself and therefore what you experience. Realize now the power your words command if you choose them wisely.” (Anthony Robbins)

6. If you work with people, words is one of tbe most powerful tools you can use to impact others.

In his book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Malcolm Gladwell mentioned a series of experiments conducted by psychologist John Bargh demonstrating how people’s behaviour can be influenced or altered just by exposing them to sets of words that described a specific state of being. For example, subjects subliminally exposed to the words “old”, “worried”, “lonely”, “bingo”, “wrinkle” and “gray” walked out of the experiment room and down the hallway much slower compared to the rate when they walked into the experiment room. After being exposed to the set of words that conveyed old age, the subjects acted old – they walked slowly.

Ever bought something really expensive on impulse? I sure have. I often do that when the person trying to sell me something is someone I admire and who uses the sort of language I speak and is selling me something that had been proven to successfully help other people achieve something I really really want to do. But ultimately, how are they getting me to buy so quickly? Through their words. Their words resonated with me, so I automatically trusted them and followed their recommendations.

Internet marketers, copywriters, sales people, therapists, politicians use language all the time as their main weapon to influence and ultimately get others to do what they want them to do. Even if you’re not running your own business, just think of how you too could use words to influence your own behaviour and the behaviour of others.

Photo courtesy of Kristen Taylor. Stationery set found in Japan.

Based on the above observations, I saw the value in consciously choosing the words that would bring me the results I want.

Here are some tips on how we can all start speaking the language of success:

1. When someone asks how you are doing, say something outrageous and fun!

Winners speak differently compared to losers. The thing about success is that you can’t do it all on your own. You need to attract, work with and be with successful people (preferably more successful than you), and one sure way to attract them is by using a language they will resonate with.

You can start this by simply changing one thing: the way you answer the question, “How are you?”. Say something really cool like “Tremendous!”, “Never better!” “I’m on top of the World!”, “Fantabulous!” “Amazing!” “Fantastic!” I know it sounds cheesy. In fact, the more cheesy you can deliver it the better because it elicits amusement, laughter or curiosity from others. Try it! I promise you’ll actually feel as good as the words you use.

2. Engage in empowering self-talk.

Always pay attention to the conversations you have inside your head – are you your own cheerleader, or are you your own worst critique? Do you often acknowledge yourself for a job well done, or do you constantly berate yourself for committing a mistake?

If you really want to be successful, you need to learn how to talk to yourself using a language infused with positivity, respect, love and trust. Who else will take care of you? So nurture yourself by being kind to, appreciative of, and loving – yourself.

Never resort to derogatory self-talk. Never blame, belittle, ridicule or resent yourself – it’s the most destructive thing you could ever do. Instead learn how to fully support and nurture yourself.

Acknowledge and praise yourself for every single accomplishment. Appreciate your strengths. Forgive yourself for screwing up – we all do it and it’s part of the process of growing up so get over it and move on.

3. Pay attention and be aware of the language (verbal and non-verbal) you’re using.

Whenever you can, notice what you are saying, or how your body language is like. Are you exuding confidence, or self-doubt? Do you conduct yourself in a way that people find your attitude and body language irresistibly attractive, or are you the toxic, energy-sucking, woe-bearing type so that people avoid you at all cost?

Remember that your choice of words are shaping other people’s opinion of you. If you’re wondering why some people are treating you a certain way and you’d like to change it, try to ask yourself if you’d been training them to treat you that way. For example, if someone’s always sarcastic or rude to you, ask yourself if there’s something about your behaviour that makes them think that it’s perfectly acceptable to act like that towards you.

Or perhaps you’re in the habit of selling yourself short? Perhaps you’re one of those brilliant people who is embarassed by your own awesomeness so you delieberately try to play small? Perhaps you believe that by being so damn brilliant, you’ll be alienated by your friends or family?

Some people want to be successful but deep inside they haven’t given themselves the permission to be so. Are you one of them? If so, give yourself the permission to be successful now.

Pay attention and ask yourself what it is you ultimately want and let nothing stop you from achieving it.

4. Expand your Emotional Vocabulary

Anthony Robbins, in his book Awaken the Giant Within suggested a fun way to help us control our emotions wisely with our language. It’s basically a method that allows you to either lower the intensity of your negative emotions (so they don’t impact you as much), or intensify your positive emotions so you experience your emotional highs at the highest level possible.

Here’s how it works. Look at the tables below. Instead of using words similar to those on the left column, say words similar to those on the right column.

When you’re feeling a negative emotion, use the words recommended on Table 1 instead.

Table 1. Transformational Vocabulary

When you’re feeling a positive emotion, use the words recommended on Table 2 instead.

Table 2. Transformational Vocabulary

5. Act “as if”

Remember that we can change our behaviors, habits and experiences by changing our habitual words.

A behavioural-change technique in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) is called ‘reframing’. Reframing simply means changing state, and one effective way to reframe is by ‘acting as if’.

For example, you can choose to act and speak in abundant ways even if you are broke. By doing so, you stimulate the neurological structure that supports your chosen behaviour. Positivity, abundance, wealth, etc. are going to be associated and ‘get wired’ into your brain simply because of your new language and empowering behaviour.

So you see, when you change your language, you’re changing your thought pattern, you’re unconditioning your mind, you’re retraining yourself to think in a new way. You can also use language to consciously reprogram yourself and link pleasure to things you previously linked massive pain to.

6. Use Tools that work for you.

You may want to experiment and find tools that will help you make the changes. The tools I’ve used that worked really well for me are:

Morning Pages (as explained by Julia Cameron in The Complete Artist’s Way: Creativity as a Spiritual Practice book)
Acknowledgement Journal (as explained by Rhonda Britten in her Fearless Living book)
Gratitude Journal (as explained by Sarah ban Breathnach in Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude book)
Positive Affirmations (a great tool for this is Creative Visualization audio CDs by Shakti Gawain)

Morning Pages simply means writing three pages of longhand writing about anything. It didn’t have to make sense. I didn’t need to sound witty or funny or erudite. I was allowed to write brain farts, even!

I mentioned earlier how I struggled to write. Because of my hypercritical self, I couldn’t even get past the 3rd sentence without suffering any scathing, vicious attacks from my inner critique. Writing Morning Pages literally saved my life, because it allowed me to have a safe space where I could write, away from my harmful self-talk.

I believe it could work for you too because by writing your Morning Pages, you will end up recording the things that you tell yourself, your main concerns, your greatest fears, your highest hopes, your obsessions, preoccupations, insecurities, etc. You can later look at your morning pages and use this as a way to observe your mind and draw insights from your mental babbles.

A winning habit anyone can always establish however is reciting Positive Affirmations. You can get lots of fantabulous affirmations related to abundant living in Evelyn Lim’s Attraction Mindmap blog. Her entries entitled “5 Wealth Affirmations from Famous Authors” and “Positive Affirmations: 4 Ways to Programming Through Water” are worth the read.

You may also find it helpful to record every single accomplishment you have done (big or small) in your Acknowledgement Journal. Also, writing 5 things you are grateful for at the end of each day in your Gratitude Journal is a life-altering practice – I can’t recommend it enough. They are both explained in detail in my earlier posts:

Top 10 Daily Rituals That Make You Rich

Top 7 Weekly Rituals That Make You Rich

Conclusion

Do not underestimate the influence or the effects of your chosen words. They have the power to make you or break you.

The trick is to learn how to use this power consciously and wisely- to choose words that empower, embolden, strengthen and uplift ourselves as well as others.

We’d love to hear about your experiences, insights and opinions related to this post. If you have some tips to add, please feel free to add it on the Comments section below!

The First Step Towards Real and Lasting Change

How to be Successful by Developing Killer Habits (by Stephen Mills of The Rat Race Trap blog)

Change Habits Gradually for Maximum Success (by Stephen Mills of The Rat Race Trap blog)

Get The Most Out of Self-development Blogs (by Julian Rosser of Present Outlook blog)

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Do You Speak The Language of Success?